The Salon

Have you ever noticed that babies and old people don't have to comb their hair?

At age 33, it's getting difficult to remember back 25 years to make absolute statements that "I never [blank]." However, I don't ever recall having had my hairs cut (yes, all of them) in a salon. Although I'm not a drinker, it's more recent that I've been in a saloon than a salon. It's possible that while in college I ventured outside the more traditional barber shop and had my hair cut at a salon, but it seems I've blocked it out of my mind.

The red and white spinning cylinder in front of the barber shop is nice too - it helps us recoginze that Chop Tops is only a symbolic name. Otherwise, nobody's going inside of a place called Chop Tops ... does that mean your head? Or your scalp? Symbolism can be tricky for me.

And if I read magazines, I'd comment on how it's much better at the barber shop than the salon.

It's just not a natural feeling being there at all, even if I'm not the one having my hair cut. They like to ask you if you want your hair washed, or a manicure, or a pedicure. And it's hard to tell if they're trying to make me look gullible because that's such a stupid question ... or if they are trying to make money off of me.

You see, I endured YEARS of "Bobby" (not his real name to protect his livelihood) cutting my sideburns crooked in order to not have to change barbers. Bobby had even cut the New York Yankees logo into the side of my hair back in junior high, that is ... with the help of the feminine barber who worked the chair next to him. But I liked the barber shop. He would talk about the Chiefs or golf, and that felt normal. Something to create normality out of a situation where a man with scissors and razors stares at you and spins you around in circles for 30 minutes. Why the spinning chair anyway? I think it's to make you dizzy (I get dizzy easy) so that you're disoriented when he asks you if you like his work. (((Uhhhh, what?))) Yeah, it's short enough. How much do I owe you? See you later.

So after Bobby, I tried several barbers in Waco during college. They all stunk too, but since Bobby's version was a familiar stinch it was more comfortable. One barber in Waco only charged $4, and he cut hair one way ... short. He wasn't messing around with how you wanted it done, he just buzzed it pretty short and said you're through. I think he spun 4 people an hour through that chair. You had to go there at least once to get the experience, but only the guys who were really poor went a second time.

Most recently, I was using the "hair college" girls ... now that's an interesting crowd. But they only charged $6 I think. Now those were some bad haircuts too, even though their "teacher" came by and fixed it. Fixed is a relative term on a sliding scale that's been greased. But after two home haircuts that ended up looking like a cross between Dumb & Dumber and a mullet, the college girls skill was recognizable even though in its infancy.

So now I'm married which means I get input from Lauren. She picked out a style, which is a word that I was unfamiliar with having come out of the barber shop scene, from a picture in a magazine. You see, this just felt like Siberia to me, because you can't go up to Bobby and say, "Hey, see Larry Bird here in this Sports Illustrated that was on the table ... I want it just like that." He would have sat you down and cut your hair the exact same way he did every other visit and completely ignored the Larry Bird picture. He'd say, "How much do you want cut off?" I would reply, "About this much," with the hand gesture indicating 1 inch. Then he'd cut off about twice that to make sure he had it short enough the first time through in order to make his next appointment.

So we're at Raena's artsy salon. While there, I told Raena that although the dentist chair is the place of feeling uncomfortable for most people, it's the salon chair for me. Then she spun me sideways, my first ever sideways experience, so I couldn't see anything. She said this was to help me relax.

The music is a lot different at a salon too ... and the artwork ... and number of women ... and of course the conversation. We even had to drive quite a ways ... to the artistic part of the city. This was quite the ordeal. So you may be wondering after this long of a write-up about the results, especially after this many years of searching for a decent cut. Well, Raena convinced me to wait a week. That was expert advice, just like when she said it would feel a LOT different in the shower. I really didn't like it much at the salon, but it's literally growing on me.

So we've tried with mousse, without ... combing vs. moppy, part down the side vs. part down the middle, shower vs. no shower. My biggest concern at the salon was that it was too much of a "model" cut. But it seems to have settled into a hybrid mop/prep/gray hairs look. So, hey, it's not frosted look with a pony tail on my hawg, but it's a good cut. Shout out of thanks to Lauren, Raena, and to all my fans who are encouraging me during my insecure week.

Now Lauren did say that I could have a true John the Baptist look, but that I'd have to wait until the end times were shaking everything that can be shaken ... which I think means our pocket book when it's best to eat instead of get my hairs cut. She also said we could get a side-car.