One, Two, Threeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To read the title of this post, you have to visualize yourself at an Olympic wrestling match - I'd say Greco-Roman but that sounds so pagan. In the white corner, we have the Dad (yours truly) weighing in at 170 lbs. In the pink corner, we have Hadassah weighing in at 17 lbs. Yes, I outweigh her by 10x.

But in this style of wrestling, it's really a question of who can wiggle the fastest. While my brute force comes in handy, I think she's quicker than I am. Now in any wrestling match, the object is not to punch the person, otherwise my strength would overpower her. But my goal is to pin her down ... in order to change a diaper.

You are probably surprised to hear of my struggles. But you have left out one key ingredient - she has an older brother named Noah, the Wiggle Master. She has learned from the best. She has nothing to do all day long - but watch and learn from him. I'm at a disadvantage, having other goals in life besides learning to wiggle ... the power of a focused life!

Every once in awhile distraction works. You can put her on the changing table, and through a combination of slight of hand, giggling, tickling, and sticking my face one inch away from hers for comfort zone violating eye contact ... somehow managing to change her diaper (without only occasional glances at my hands) before she realizes it. However, this is the exception. Here is a more typical version. Due to nudity, there will be no video footage available.

First, I grab her by the waste and lay her on the changing table. This is the slow, boring part of the wrestling match. But that ends when her back touches the table. Once she's on her back, she realizes the match has started. I can't even get a one count from the ref.

Potentially inspired by the fact that I've just been awarded two points for a take down, she reverses out of it INSTANTLY for one point. She's not messing around. She's on her belly before I can reach to unbutton the one-sy. How do you spell 1Z? Is it onesy? Or onezy?

Trying to flip her back over onto her back is a waste of my energy, as she can flip back to her stomach too easily and quickly. To conserve energy (and patience), you have to concede and get her clothes off somehow while she lays on her belly. But I'm still leading 2-1.

I forgot to mention this only works for pee diapers. Poop diapers are a different story. But next you have to get the diaper off - not easy since she's laying on her belly and thus top of those velcro straps. Sometimes it works to stand her up, but other times she's too wiggly and it gets dangerous on a changing table. Plus if she stands up, that's one point for her for an escape. So I prefer the second takedown of the match, putting her down on the floor. Score! I'm up 4-1.

Now all of her wiggling is less dangerous, and I can manage to get the diaper off. Here's how: with one arm, I can trap her arms from wiggling and demobilize her while she's standing. The first wipe is damage prevention, keeping "stuff" off of me and the carpet. The second wipe is much trickier - trying to finish the job in the standing position is less than ideal. It's easier to put her back on her belly and wipe, but she often gets one point for an escape here. It's 4-2.

At this point, I have to go for the pin. That's right, a three count with her shoulder blades touching the ground. This is the position I need to complete the second wipe. So I muscle her down onto her back, and then I put my armpit right on top of her belly. I'm in the trenches here! But this blocks her head and arms from wiggling. Then I use my left hand to hold her legs down, and that's the hardest part. She has two legs and I have one hand. Have you ever tried to catch two baseballs simultaneously? It's about timing and coordination as much as power. My right hand is utilized for that crucial second wipe. I only have three seconds before the ref makes me move away, and before those legs break free.

It's not done there though. Getting a diaper and clothes back on is just as dramatic. It's essentially all of these steps in reverse. But as you can see, the process ends with me ahead 4-2, plus a 3 count pin and of course a clean diaper. Ding ... Ding. I almost smile out of satisfaction, but I'm a bit winded and near out of patience. It's at this point that she smiles, acting as if nothing ever happened.

Dog Disaster

This may be semi-blog worthy, so bear with me.

A neighbor with three mini-dogs walks the block often, and yes he carries their poop. But Noah and I had him stop this time to pet the dogs. Oreo is the friendly one, and he came right up to us. I bent over and stuck my hand really low to show Noah how to let him lick you.

Warning ... it's at this point in the story that children should not continue reading.

All of a sudden, the most disgusting thing happened. I could have showered three times afterwards and not felt clean.

Oreo in his zeal stands up on his hind legs - not usually a problem. But he did it so fast and aggressive that he plastered his underside against my forearm. And you know what that means. I found Oreo was a boy as he smashed "it" against my finger! AAAAAAWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Full body shiver!

Drummer

We're still missing a stage presence when it comes to the drums, so maybe we'll add this guy on Sunday nights! (Make sure you watch until the end, because his moves get better as it goes).

http://www.wimp.com/wronggig/

I've watched this one about ten times, and I still laugh out loud.

The Beautiful Game

So if you're going to play a sport, why not soccer? Here are three short videos that fans, and even a casual observer, would appreciate ...



This is Rene Higuita, famous for inventing the "scorpion" as modeled here ... http://wimp.com/crazysave/



Next we have the best goal ever ... http://wimp.com/niceplay



And finally the best soccer juggling video I've seen ... http://wimp.com/greatskill/ ... they are so fast you have to watch carefully to even see their moves.



And just so the non-soccer fans don't get left out, if you watch until the end of this video you'll see a not-so-creative solution by the employees on how to solve the over-crowding problem ... http://wimp.com/realbad/



Enjoy!